Johnny Depp At "Pirates 3" Premiere

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 had its big U.S. premiere at Disneyland in Anaheim last night, and of course star Johnny Depp was there - looking like he'd had a few. But, I don't blame Johnny for getting soused - we all know he's not into the glitzy side of Hollywood, so he probably needs a little alcoholic fortification to get through an evening like that. Anyway, here's another picture of Johnny:



I think Johnny may have started drinking well before the premiere. Like a week before. And he forgot to wash his hair. He runs his hand through it so much - that little self-conscious don't-wanna-be-here move of his - that it's no wonder it looks all greasy. Of course that just adds to his scruffy manly-man allure, right? We like a dude who isn't afraid to go a month without bathing. The natural oils are sexy. And speaking of people who don't bathe often, here's Keith Richards:



Nice skull hankie there Keith. Do you use that to wipe the table off after you're done snorting coke cut with your father's ashes?

And, yes, Orlando Bloom was there too:



Orlando is what Hugh Grant would be if he had not a lick of personality or wit. And speaking of people who have no personality or wit...

Hold on a sec - was Keira Knightley not there? I can't find any pics of her. You mean she skipped the premiere of her movie? What, was she off wandering in the Himalayas again, discovering herself? Oh Keira, you're too good to show up to a goofy Hollywood premiere. It's all so beneath you now. Choke on jizz, Keira.

(yes, I know Keira's filming a movie right now and that's probably why she wasn't there. sometimes we ignore the truth in favor of the bit. those are our priorities here at Crabbie's Hollywood - funny first, truth second. i'm not explaining that again.)

Keira Knightley Still Feeling Sorry For Herself

Keira Knightley has taken her self-deprecation kick to a point where I'm now beginning to wonder if she isn't actually mentally disturbed.

The latest load of oh-woe-is-me blather to come issuing from Keira's ever-flapping piehole concerns her boobs. Specifically, the fact that her boobs are quite small as boobs go. Here's what the eternally self-critical Keira had to say about them:

I would love to have tits! ... I would love to have [Italian actress] Monica Bellucci's figure. ... I'm never going to get it. I'm naturally who I am.

Yes Keira, you're naturally who you are - a flithead who never shuts up about herself. Honestly Keira, for someone who swears she doesn't want to be famous, you sure give a lot of interviews. And almost all of them are nothing but you running yourself down. Do you think this makes you interesting somehow? Do you think it makes people feel sorry for you? "Poor Keira, she doesn't like her body. Guess she'll just have to console herself with her millions of dollars." Or just buy yourself a pair of tits. God damn, how hard is that anyway? Every brainless bimbo on earth has a pair of fake boobs - why not join your sisters, Keira? Do you think giving in would make you look shallow? Hate to break it to you dear - you already do. The only one who finds anything profound or meaningful in your babbling is you.

(source)

Keira And Sienna - They Dig Each Other

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley take time out from shooting The Best Time Of Our Lives to cavort on the beach along the Welsh coast. Hmm, these two are going to be filming some lesbian action in this movie - looks like they're really getting into their roles. And yes, that is Sienna Miller on the left, not Julia Roberts. Dang - I bet Lindsay wishes she hadn't dropped out of this movie now. Look how much fun Sienna and Keira are having.





That could've been Lindsay - but no, she'd rather prance around naked and snort coke. Bitch has no idea how to loosen up.

Keira Knightley Wants To Be Anyone But Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley seems to be suffering from some kind of identity crisis. I mean, every time this girl opens her mouth, she starts talking about some other person she wishes she was. The other day it was fat, disgusting blob-rocker Beth Ditto; and now it's decidedly unfat, though still sometimes disgusting, actress Sienna Miller.

How appropriate that Keira, who can't keep her fat yap shut, would wish to be Sienna, another broad known for having a mouth that operates at speeds her brain can't keep up with. And the two of them are making a movie together too, that Dylan Thomas thing The Best Time Of Our Lives. And Lindsay Lohan was originally going to be in that - speaking of people who need to speak less and think more.

Anyway, here's what Keira said about her Sienna fixation:

I wish I was Sienna Miller. I watch that girl and she's just fabulous. ... She talks to everyone and laughs and smiles and looks as if she is genuinely enjoying herself. ... When I talk to her, I hope a bit of her party personality will rub off on me, but it never does. She could give master classes in being the most amazing party guest.

So let's sum up. According to Keira Knightley, Keira Knightley is too skinny and has a butt-ugly face, is miserable being famous, and has the personality of a potted plant. Does anyone wish to stand and dispute this characterization? No? Moving on then...

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Keira Knightley Wants To Be A Fat Loser

Keira Knightley has a life many women dream of - she's thin, she's beautiful, she's rich and famous. But, to Keira, this existence is anything but a dream - in fact it's closer to a nightmare. And it's one she's ready to wake up from.

Yes, Pirates of the Caribbean star Knightley is sick and tired of being rich, famous and thin. Apparently, the actress came to feel this way after a kind of twofold epiphany. Part one occurred, I kid you not, while she was hiking through the Himalayas. Said Keira about her mountain-aided spiritual revelation:

I spent 10 days in a place where no one knew me or cared what films I'd been in. I got to have some total peace and balance and see myself as a tiny insignificant speck - something I really needed.

So Keira developed a sense of proportion up there amongst the Sherpas and the Yetis. She figured out that she's not the big deal she thought she was. And out of this came the realization that maybe a life of fame and fortune isn't what she really desires. Said Keira:

The celebrity thing is completely crazy. I think I just have to move away or give it up altogether. ... I couldn't have kids in the situation I'm in now. But I could just do something else. That's probably what's going to happen. I'm just not so hungry any more. I made a decision very recently that I wanted a life instead.

Yes, Keira wants a life. And kids. Which she can't have if people are always trying to take her picture. And she needed to go to the Himalayas to figure this out? Whatever. The important thing is that Keira now knows what she wants from life. It doesn't involve red carpets and paparazzi; and it also doesn't involve being a rail-thin bad example for the kids. No, Keira is also sick of being skinny, and she's really sick of people holding her up as the poster-child for eating disorders:

Basically, my body type is naturally thin. There is nothing I can do about it. ... I hate the fact that naturally thin women like me are becoming scapegoats for promoting a mental illness.

Yes, Keira is naturally thin - but if she had her way this would not be the case. If she had her druthers, she'd be a big flabby mess like British singer Beth Ditto instead. And this brings us to the second part of Keira's twofold awakening - which happened at a concert featuring the aforementioned Ms. Ditto. Said Keira of the sight of Ditto's pasty-white, sweaty, 210-pound form:

When she was performing she started taking all her clothes off. I stood there watching her strip, thinking, "Oh my God, that woman is so sexy."

So there you have it - Keira Knightley has seen her perfect future, and it involves being a morbidly obese, drunken lesbian who no one knows. Of course, I'm sure Keira wouldn't mind holding onto the money. And I'm also sure her boyfriend Rupert Friend would prefer her to remain thin. But, you can't have everything. I'm sure Keira understands this too - that giving up the bad stuff means giving up the good. I mean, she seems like such a deep and spiritual person - of course she recognizes the true implications of her wish to shed her current identity and become an overweight schlub. Right?

(source 1, source 2)

Kate Bosworth Is...Hot?

Do my eyes deceive me, or has Kate Bosworth gotten her shit together? Can we now take her off the endangered-starlets list? And whatever Kate has been eating to get herself back to looking human - can we please give some to Keira Knightey?

Keira Knightley's Smoking Hot Ribcage

Keira Knightley does not have an eating disorder. Also, Rosie O'Donnell is not a fat lesbian, Donald Trump is not a bald old jerk, George Bush is not an incompetent buffoon and Perez Hilton is not a disgusting dimwitted human blob who slurps Paris daily.

Sienna Replaces Lohan In Dylan Thomas Flick

It didn't take the producers of the Dylan Thomas flick The Best Time of Our Lives long to find a replacement for departed star Lindsay Lohan. Sienna Miller, reports Variety, will be stepping into Lohan's stinky, puke-filled shoes, tackling the role of Caitlin MacNamara, Thomas's wife, who reportedly has a lesbian moment with his lover Vera Phillips, played by Keira Knightley.

So here's the scorecard for Lindsay's dropped parts:

• Bill. Dropped out because the director wasn't famous enough. Replaced by Jessica Alba.
• A Woman of No Importance. Dropped out because she was concerned about her health (ha!). Replaced by Jessica Biel.
• The Best Time Of Our Lives. Dropped out because of a contract dispute. Won't admit the real reason - she didn't want to curb her partying for the duration of the shoot, as the producers undoubtedly demanded. Replaced by Sienna Miller.

Crabbie has no particular sense that Alba, Biel or Miller is necessarily more talented than Lohan, or sexier. Each is certainly more professional though. What Lindsay needs to learn is this - when you're competing for parts with women who are by-and-large as accomplished as you, if not more accomplished, the one thing you definitely need to project is reliability. You are not the greatest thing since bread came sliced, Linds. And frankly your looks are already going. The only question I ask is, why would any producer take you in the first place? I'd rather have Alba, Biel or Miller (even if Miller has that "tourette's" problem of hers). You'd better shape up fast, Linds, or you won't have the parts to drop in the first place.

(source)

Keira Knightley Is No Fan Of Lindsay Lohan

Pretty much everyone hates Lindsay Lohan right now. Paris, Shanna, God - and you can add Keira Knightley to that list too. Of course, unlike the others (except God), Keira has a good reason to be angry at Lindsay. Keira, you recall, was all set to star with Lindsay in the Dylan Thomas movie The Best Time of Our Lives. Then, for reasons that still haven't been explained (but probably have to do with producers demanding behavioral assurances from the infamously unreliable Lohan), Lindsay dropped out of the film. This got Keira's goat - because Keira actually lobbied for Lindsay to be in the film (for some reason), and feels that Lindsay stabbed her in the back.

Ha - join the club Keira. Just about everyone in the world has been betrayed, let-down or otherwise screwed over by Lindsay. That's because the bitch has no soul. She has developed beyond the sociopathic to the downright deranged. Basically, Lindsay thinks the universe revolves around her, therefore she can do whatever she pleases. Contracts, agreements, pledges - these things mean nothing to Lohan. And why should they? She was essentially brought up by snakes - and how can you expect a baby snake to have any honor? So, Keira, if I were you I wouldn't be too upset. You can always find another actress to do your little lesbo scene with. One who will be less likely to go crazy and start ripping your hair out.

(source)

Knightley Likes Wood(s)

Keira Knightley, weakened by malnutrition, passes out in the lap of her boyfriend Rupert Friend. No, I'm just kidding - I have no idea if that is in fact Rupert Friend. Oh, all right, it is Rupert. I guess. Anyway, Keira must be truly relieved today - cause she thought she was going to have to be in a movie with Lindsay Lohan, but now Lindsay has bailed. Seriously, there's no way Keira could've been looking forward to having to put up with Lindsay. The kind of mind-games Lindsay likes to play - Keira would've been a nervous wreck. Then again, there would've been one nice thing about having Lindsay around - all the paparazzi would've paid attention to her, leaving Keira alone. And you know how Keira hates photographers. So maybe she's not happy after all (eat a sandwich Keira).

Keira Knightley Has Five Stalkers

Actress Keira Knightley lives her life in a perpetual state of terror over the five - count 'em, five - shadowy, possibly perverted men who constantly follow her around. Says Keira of her living nightmare:

I'm being stalked by five men. I have no way of knowing if they could be potential rapists. ... It scares the living hell out of me - I'm frightened out of my wits every time I see one of them.

Oh boy. Keira has five stalkers. Or, at any rate, she keeps seeing these same five men over and over and doesn't know what their intentions are. Um - is there any possibility Keira could just be imagining all this? I mean, I don't have any experience with malnutrition - which would be obvious to anyone who saw my fat ass sitting around - but is it possible that not eating enough could bring on hallucinations? Like, maybe Keira thinks these five guys are stalking her, but if she had herself a nice turkey on rye with extra mayo, they would suddenly vanish? I don't know - I'm just throwing that out there.

By the way - Look out behind that bush Keira!

(source)

Keira Knightley Brightens Up, Sorta

Keira Knightley walks with her hunk Rupert Friend. All right - another dumb hat. But I'm letting this one go. Because, for once, Keira actually looks somewhat cheerful and cute. At least her clothes do. Except for those hideous tights. And okay, that dress does look like a tablecloth - but I'm giving Keira a pass because at least she's got some color going. Rupert, however - ugh. Ripped jeans and a big old man-bag? And is it just me or does he seem to be trying to look like David Beckham? Oh yes, Keira and Rupert are the new Posh and Becks. Well, she's skinny and sour-looking enough, but her fashion sense, though horrible, is not quite as daringly atrocious as Poshy's. And Rupert - yeah he's kind of hot, but he's no Becks. Sorry kids, but you've got a long way to go before you usurp Poshy and David.

Keira Knightley Grows Third Arm

Actress Keira Knightley has mysteriously grown a third arm, which projects from the back of her neck. Doctors are at a loss to explain the sudden appearance of this appendage, which reportedly began as a pimple, then quickly expanded into a complete extremity. Knightley is said to be dismayed at this unforeseen development, and told a friend:

If I had to grow something, why couldn't it have been some titties?

Producers of Knightley's new film The Best Time of Our Lives, a biopic of poet Dylan Thomas, have already begun casting their nets around for a replacement actress, given that Knightley is no longer credible as a character with the correct number of limbs.

Keira Knightley Is Drunk In The Middle Of The Day

Actress Keira Knightley is photographed after just leaving a pub in England. Wow - looks awfully light out. Bit early in the day to be completely tanked, ain't it Keira? Course, at your weight, it probably doesn't take much. One shot and you're stumbling around like Shelley Winters at the Golden Globes. Dang, that movie you're making with Lindsay Lohan - that is going to be one interesting, drunken shoot.

A Rare Photo Of Keira Knightley Holding Food

Here's a pic of Keira Knightley heading off to begin work on her new movie The Best Time of our Lives, a biopic of Dylan Thomas co-starring Lindsay Lohan. Keira appears to have just gotten out of the shower - so I guess that means some English people actually do care about hygiene after all. Oh, and what's that she's holding in her hand. Can we zoom in on that?



Why, it appears to be some sort of food-item. And part of it has been bitten off and presumably chewed and swallowed. By Keira. So there it is - photographic evidence that Keira Knightley actually eats. Unless she was just getting ready to toss that to a dog or something.



Smile Keira. You're young and sort of attractive, I guess.

The Wrath Of Keira

Another day, another picture of Keira Knightley glaring angrily at photographers. No Keira, it doesn't matter how much you show your displeasure - they're never going to stop pestering you. As long as you remain famous, that is. If you really want them to leave you alone, the answer is to move someplace far away, rent a trailer and get a job waiting tables. Of course, then you won't be invited to anymore swanky parties, and you won't have the dough to fly Kenyan masseurs into whatever city you're staying in at three in the morning just cause you feel like it. Sucks to be a star, don't it Keira dear?

Keira Knightley Looks Like Death

So Keira Knightley has totally gone off on this "I'm not a glamour girl" kick. She's doing a pretty good job of it too. I mean, looking at her there - yeah, I wouldn't guess she was a movie star either. I would guess she was on her way home from the methadone clinic. And not home to some posh apartment either, but some dingy little hole with roaches everywhere and water-stains and nothing in the fridge but some moldy cheese. A little TV with rabbit-ears on top of a milk-crate. An old afghan-covered couch sagging from the weight of all the carcasses that have deposited themselves there, as if their ghosts were all piled up there, the collected weight of all those wretched souls.

Keira Knightley Doesn't Like Having Her Picture Taken

Pirates Of the Caribbean "beauty" Keira Knightley appears ready to eat a photographer for breakfast. What am I saying - we know Keira doesn't eat. All right, she's ready to stomp his brains out then. Apparently, Keira believes she's somehow entitled to privacy. As the Dirty Disher would say, Pfft. You're a celeb Keira. You don't get to have a private life now. And glowering at people only makes you look pissy, and even uglier than usual. What you need is a positive outlook - like Tara Reid. She gets her picture taken all the time, and when was the last time you saw her with anything but a smile on her face? Of course, it's a drunken grin, but still, it's a grin. So, there's your solution Keira - lots of alcohol. Then maybe you won't be such a stroppy cow (who dresses like a senile old woman).

Keira Knightley And Her Mum

Bean-pole Keira Knightley goes for a walk with her mum, the playwright Sharman MacDonald. I'm not exactly sure how to characterize Knightley's outfit. It looks a little like something out of A Clockwork Orange, with much more flared pants. And her mother. A sweater salvaged from a 1932 production of Anna Christie, a coat so ratty even Julia Roberts wouldn't want it, and the kind of boots you would expect to see Erich Von Stroheim wearing as he was stepping on someone's neck.

I worked Anna Christie and Erich Von Stroheim into the same post. I can go take a nap now.