Dogs Hate Rachael Ray Too

I wish I could've been there to see this - Rachael Ray getting attacked by a dog in Central Park. Oh, I know, it's not nice to gloat over other people's misery Crabbie - but come on, it's Rachael Ray for God's sake. The most evil entity in the known universe. So it's okay to delight in her pain. And anyway, the attack wasn't all that bad. According to Page 6, Rachael was walking her pit-bull mix Isaboo in the park when another dog came along, without its owner, and started acting aggressive. This set off a whole crazy scene where all these dogs were barking and trying to kill each other, and brave and/or stupid Rachael got into the middle of it trying to protect her dog and ended up being chomped on the leg. A nurse who was there checked Rachael out but the wound wasn't serious and Rachael is going to be fine. I bet Rachael didn't even need shots or anything. No word yet on what harm came to the dog that bit Rachael, but I'm guessing it ended up in a stew.

By the way, who the hell names their dog "Isaboo?" Somebody should name Rachael "Isabitch." Ha ha...

Devil With A Red Dress On

Kat McPhee walks the runway at the Heart Truth's Red Dress Collection 2007 fashion show. A red dress on McPhee - how appropriate, given her status as a demon. Ooh, and this one's sparkly too. If McPhee stands in front of a mirror wearing this dress, she's liable to become hypnotized by herself (yes, demons can be stupid too).


Speaking of demons - hey, it's Kelly Ripa. Wow, and she's looking old too. Might be time for her to slaughter a couple more virgins and drink their blood. You know, to restore her youth.

And, of course, a night of devilry would not be complete without an appearance by the Queen of the Underworld herself, Rachael Ray. Jeez, that is one chunky little denizen of the darkness. Guess she's been eating too much of her own food. Either that or the bloat-spell I put on her is starting to kick in. With any luck she will soon be floating over Miami like the Goodyear blimp. Hey look closet-fag football fans, it's Rachael Ray. And...oh my God, she appears to be on fire. It's like the Hindenburg all over again. Oh, the humanity...

Ray And McPhee Create Vortex Of Perfect Evil

The Dark One sends his minions forth to do his bidding. Their black powers merge to create a vortex of evil into which all light and goodness falls. Woe unto those whose souls are trapped by the power of the vortex, for they are doomed to spend eternity in that most terrible of hells - daytime television.

Maybe Rachael Ray Isn't So Bad After All

You know that old saying, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend?" Well, I believe in that saying. I believe that one can overcome an aversion to someone when that someone demonstrates themselves to have an equally intense aversion to another person toward whom one has even more powerfully averse feelings than the first person. Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is, when you hate someone, and then find out that the person you hate actually hates someone else you hate even more, you can come to develop a bond with that person you thought you hated. God, I'm tying my brain in knots today. All right, god damn it, I'll just come out and say it: I don't hate Rachael Ray as much as I used to hate her.

Yes, I know, it sounds like a miracle. The woman I declared to be Satanic just a few days ago taking this giant leap in my esteem. How does a thing like that even happen? Well, as I tried to explain in my first paragraph, it happens because there's someone else you hate even more, and when the other person you hate demonstrates that they also hate this person...

This is too complicated. So I'll boil it down. I do not hate Rachael Ray as much as I once hated her, because I now know that Rachael Ray hates Oprah, and I hate Oprah worse than anyone on the face of the earth with the possible exception of Russell Crowe.

Wait a second. Rachael Ray hates Oprah? I thought Oprah gave Rachael her start on legitimate television? I thought they were buds? Well, apparently they're not. Apparently, Rachael is not a huge fan of Oprah at all. According to an unnamed source dredged up by TMZ, Rachael has said terrible things about Oprah while under the influence of red wine.

The alleged Oprah-bashing occurred on December 3, 2005 (yes, we have an exact date) at Houston's restaurant in the Century City Mall in Los Angeles. Ray was there eating dinner with seven other people, having previously held a book-signing in the mall. According to the source, Ray consumed at least four large glasses of red wine, and became "extremely loud and aggressive." In her drunkenness, Ray started holding forth about Oprah, whose company she was then negotiating with in hopes of bringing her Food Channel shtick to day-time TV. At one point, Rachael mentioned a painting Oprah has hanging in the lobby of her production offices in Chicago, an image from the film Beloved in which Oprah wears a slavery-era skirt and bares a back covered in lash-scars. Said Ray of the image, "Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black."

So that's how Rachael behaves when she gets drunk. She disses the people who are trying to help her career, and rips them for having issues with racial identity. Hilarious.

But wait, there's more. Not content with criticizing Oprah, Ray launched into similarly unpleasant diatribes against other well-known stars. Like Brad Pitt, whom she called "a pussy-boy," and Angelina Jolie, whom she dubbed, "a skanky backdoor cunt." Of course, Rachael's people are denying any of this ever happened. According to them, Rachael has never used words like "cunt" in her life. Sure she hasn't. And they also say that the other members of Rachael's dinner-party that day have come out in her defense, refuting the claims of TMZ's source.

All right, so it's one person's word against that of an entire dinner-party (not to mention other people who would've been in ear-shot of loud, drunken Rachael). And it does seem a little convenient that all this stuff is coming out now when Rachael is popular. On the surface, it smells like a smear campaign. However, I am inclined to believe the source's claims, for one simple reason - people who act as happy as Rachael are clearly filled with anger underneath, and when people like that drink, the anger tends to come out. There is pure, volcanic rage in Rachael's heart. And, what's more, there is animosity toward Oprah. And anyone who hates Oprah's guts that much can't be all bad.

Rachael Ray, AKA Evil Incarnate, Has Her Show Renewed For Two More Years

Crabbie is a surly, misanthropic person by nature, which is probably why grinning, perky people annoy him so much. Like Katie Couric. I never could stand that little bitch. I always wanted to burn her face off with a flamethrower then melt her skull with acid. I mean, who's that happy that early in the morning? Nobody. It's all so phony, that enthusiasm. And you could always tell with Couric that, under the surface, she was just the angriest, most vicious little troll. Then Katie got a little older, and the crinkliness sort of tempered that cutesy thing, and I stopped hating her so much. But that blank space in my personal Hall of Disdain was not empty long. No. Because, soon after, I got my first taste of a being so vile, so Mephistophelean, that Katie Couric seemed practically angelic by comparison.

I'm talking of course about Rachael Ray, the single most diabolical human being on the face of the earth. This bitch, I would like to do things to that I can't even put into words. Even the torture-masters in Saddam's prisons couldn't have concocted methods of pain-infliction horrific enough for this demon. Even Dante himself could not have imagined a hell sufficiently terrifying to give this monster the eternity of suffering she deserves.

All right, so I'm exaggerating a little. I don't really want Rachael Ray to burn forever in a sulphurous pit. A week or two would be enough. But seriously, this broad - I just can't stand her face. I want to shove cotton balls in her mouth until she can't breathe, then laugh as I spray her with lighter fluid and toss the match.

God. What's the matter with me? That's another human being I'm talking about.

Or is it?

Of course Rachael Ray is human. I think. Actually, a little further investigation might be in order. Are we sure this broad was actually born of woman? Cause it's possible she could've risen from some kind of belching, fiery pool. You know, and then taken human form. But I suppose, if she was truly demonic, there'd be all sorts of false records and things, so if anyone got suspicious, her true identity could be protected. She probably has agents on the earth whose whole purpose is to cover up the truth of her supernatural origins. I'm betting she arose from the fiery pool, or else there was some kind of Rosemary's Baby thing, a Satanic cult who impregnated a woman and then took the baby away and killed the woman. I don't know. I'm going to need to look into this more. If I'm right, then I think it's not too late to stop the other demons from coming through the portal. All I need is to find the right incantation in the Book of the Dead, and get some belladonna and eye of toad. And of course I'll have to sacrifice ten goats. But that's not a big deal. I know a guy who'll sell me some for half-price. Of course, I have to find an open field where I can burn a pentagram into the ground and tie a virgin to a pole so werewolves can ravish her. Damn, where am I going to find a virgin? This could be a problem...

Oh. I just remembered the point of the post. Rachael Ray had her show renewed for two more seasons. Jeez. Congratulations Rachael, you little nutty-bear.