Jessica Simpson Nipple Slip Photos

Mayer and Simpson Unbreak-Up

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are officially no longer broken up. I think. Anyway, witnesses told US Weekly that they spent the weekend holed up in Jessica's room at the SoHo Grand Hotel in New York. Presumably they were having sex. Or maybe they were doing arts and crafts. I don't know. Frankly, I was hoping they'd stay broken up. I wanted Jessica to get a more interesting boyfriend, like Johnny Knoxville or a UPS man. Just the sight of Mayer now makes my brain shut off. Sort of like what happens to him whenever he sees Jessica's boobs coming toward him.

(source)

Poor Jessica

Jessica Simpson tends to overachieve when it comes to her boyfriends. Nick Lachey? John Mayer? Both were probably a notch or two above her on whatever scale we use to measure such things. So, it probably shouldn't be a surprise that newly-single Jessica is reaching for the stars again man-wise. This time, however, her target may be completely out of her range.

Jessica Simpson - don't snicker now - is smitten with Jude Law.

That's the very Jude Law, readers of this and other fine blogs know, who dissed Jessica last week at a Cannes Film Festival party. "What's she doing here?" Jude was heard to disdainfully utter upon spotting Jessica in the crowd.

Apparently, Jude, she was looking for you. And this is no little puppy-dog crush either. Jessica is serious. Said Jessica after encountering her dream man:

Jude's lovely - it was the first time I'd met him and he was very charming. I love the way he talks. His British accent and the way it makes him move his mouth are such a turn-on.

Jude, you dirty-dog. You did try to hit on her, just as I suggested when I blogged on your diss of her the other day. You charmed her with your accent and the way you move your mouth. Oh, but a few minutes before that you were wondering what someone of her ilk would be doing in such an inappropriate place. Jessica Simpson? Shouldn't she be slopping hogs or milking cows or walking around barefoot and knocked-up?

You really are a shameless creature, aren't you Jude? Bemoaning Jessica's presence one minute, putting the moves on her the next. Of course, we know you're not serious about her. All you want is one romp with her, just to see what those tits feel like with your face buried in them. It's not even attraction - it's just idle curiosity. "Well that was pleasant." And then she's dog-meat again, right you womanizing sociopathic greaseball?

(source)

Jessica Simpson In Cannes

Jessica Simpson is running around Cannes making a nuisance of herself. Basically, she's only there because the cameras are. Oh, and because there was a party last week for some dumb-ass movie she's going to be in. Stupid bitch actually thinks she's a movie-star. Because she pouted and stuck out her tits in the Dukes of Hazzard? All she does is pout and stick out her tits. It's all she knows how to do (besides defecate at awkward moments).

Simpson, apparently unbeknownst to her, has become a joke - and even the other stars know it. Reportedly, the other night at a Cannes party, Jude Law spotted Jessica and was overheard saying, "What's she doing here?" Just imagine Jude saying that in his snotty English accent. Of course, Jude then went and hit on Jessica, but that's another story. The point is that, if someone as lame as Jude Law is looking down on you, you might as well change your name to Kathy Griffin or Andy Dick and start looking for a lightpost to hump. Cause you be done.

(source)

John Mayer And Jessica Simpson Have Split

Perez is reporting exclusively that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have ended their relationship. Says Perez's "well-placed" source (aka the voice in his own head):

They officially called it quits this past weekend. They'd been having problems for a while now and just decided it'd be better to end things.

I wonder what kind of problems they were having. Were they pooing-in-the-bed related? Or did Mayer finally get sick of the one-sided conversations? Or was it a little of each:

John: "I was reading Walter Isaacson's biography of Einstein. It's really interesting. Did you know Einstein was excluded from working on the Manhattan Project because the FBI wouldn't give him security clearance? It was because he'd endorsed so many radical groups. They considered him too much of a risk..."

Jessica: "Poop."

John: "What snookums?"

Jessica: "Poopy."

John: "Oh, god damn it. Not again. Fuck. The bathroom's like five steps away..."

Jessica: "Poopy..."

John: "Don't do it. God damn it don't you do it..."

Jessica: "Poopy on John's face. Funny!"

John: "You stupid fucking cunt..."

Jessica: "John mean. Jessica tell Papa Joe."

John: "I'm sorry snookums. I didn't mean to yell. It's just...it ain't cool when you shit in your hand and throw it at my face..."

Jessica: "John look funny. Poop on face."

John: "Yeah, I look like a shitfaced Al Jolson. Ha fucking ha..."

Looks like John and Jess are both back on the market. Too bad they couldn't make it work out. They were almost amusing, sometimes.

(source)

Jessica Simpson Hates Deformed Babies

Pop-star Jessica Simpson was once a visible spokeswoman for Operation Smile, a charity organization that helps disadvantaged kids with facial deformities get reconstructive surgery. Recently, however, Jessica has completely cut herself off from the group - and people are beginning to grumble that Jess's participation was only about making herself look good.

The subject of Simpson's mysterious absence from Operation Smile events came up the other night at a big benefit for the organization. Said one person to Page 6:

She's turned her back on them. She got a lot of good publicity from the charity but refused to let pictures of her be in the commemorative book and hasn't done anything with them in a year.

A rep for Queen Poopypants begs to differ however:

[Jess was honored at a recent UNESCO event] partly for her work with Operation Smile. Jess was one of four honorees for her philanthropic work. She sang two songs, and the event raised about $3 million to build schools all over the world.

She sang two songs? Fuck, she's practically Jesus now. And please, don't give me some bullpoo about how that event raised $3 million to build schools. It would've raised that with or without Jessica. Hell, it might've raised more, had the stink of her poopy diaper not chased half the crowd away. Plus, the way these shady charities work, most of that $3 million probably wound up in some Swiss account, and is currently paying for some rich piece of Euro-trash to have ice sculptures that pee champagne at his trophy wife's 18th birthday party. Face it, Jessica hooked up with Operation Smile because she thought it would help her image - but she got bored with it and quit. Besides, she's got better things to do now - like redecorate her and John Mayers' hotel rooms by crapping in her hand and chucking it at the wall (while giggling).

(source)

Jessica Simpson Receives Commendation From U.N.

Jessica Simpson was in Germany this weekend participating in a UNESCO charity gala. Of course, these sorts of events always try to attract the biggest stars they can, for publicity purposes. And, to help insure that more stars will want to show up in the future, it's necessary to give out awards and commendations to these people, and stoke their little self-satisfied image of themselves. To that end, the UNESCO folks bestowed upon Jessica the above award, which looks like something I once scraped out of the back of my freezer (I was pretty sure it was dead, but just to be sure, I smashed it flat with a rolled-up copy of Vanity Fair). They also gave her a certificate recognizing her humanitarian work and conferring upon her the title "Patron For Tolerance." I personally had no idea that Jessica was such a world-renowned philanthropist. Yes, she did give that mini-van to those Mexican orphans - a mini-van she received for free, if I'm not mistaken, and took to Mexico herself so she could have her picture taken with the poor little wretches she was helping. I guess that's all it takes to be considered a great humanitarian by the U.N. That and a gigantic rack.

(By the way, nice senorita get-up Jessica. Last week she wanted to be black, this week Spanish - basically, Jessica's life is one huge game of ethnic-wannabe roulette.)

John Mayer Can't Tell His Jessica From His Ashlee

John Mayer got himself in a spot of trouble with his girl Jessica Simpson recently when he mistook a picture of her little sister Ashlee for her. Reportedly, John was looking at a magazine cover featuring Ashlee when he turned to Jess and said, "How old is this picture of you?" An innocent enough mistake you would think - but not to Jessica, who apparently went ballistic, screaming at John that she and Ashlee look nothing alike.

This story would seem to confirm something we've suspected all along - that Jessica hates Ashlee's guts. It's a classic case of sibling rivalry. Jessica was the big star, then Ashlee came along, riding her coattails. This was fine as long as Ashlee was just "the little sister," but then Ashlee started having nose-jobs, and dyed her hair blonde, and everyone started remarking on how much she looked like Jessica - a younger, possibly cuter Jessica. One can only imagine the turmoil this must have set off in Jessica's brittle, insecure little soul. And then to have your very own allegedly intelligent boyfriend think a picture of Ashlee was actually you? I'm surprised Jessica didn't stab John in the neck with a stiletto heel.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Jessica Simpson is by far the most disturbed of all the popular celebutards. Her father is sexually fixated on her; her little sister tries to look like her - and don't forget about the religious stuff. Jessica herself has confessed that she wanted to be a gospel singer until her boobs got large and she decided she couldn't be (which makes absolutely no sense - most female gospel singers have enormous breasts). I'm thinking Jessica talks to Jesus a lot - and he probably answers her too. He probably hits on her. And he probably whispers things to her about what a shit Ashlee is. It would not surprise me - not even a little - to one day read the following headline:

Jessica Simpson Arrested For Murder Of Sister Ashlee, Father Joe

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan may act out more than Jessica, but Jessica is clearly the most mentally unstable. When she goes to jail it won't be for something mild like violating probation - it'll be for life, and the cell will have padded walls.

(source)

Jessica Simpson Wants To Be Black

For awhile I thought Jessica Simpson (appearing here at last night's Costume Institute Gala Benefit) was just trying to look Mediterranean, but now I think she's flat-out trying to turn herself into a black girl. One with gigantic breasts and a look of dog-like delight perpetually plastered on her face. If Jessica starts sporting a gold tooth and a crazy weave - well, then we'll know what's up.

Jessica And Eva Get Wild...Sorta

Jessica Simpson dances with Eva Longoria at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge 2nd Anniversary Party in Vegas. My God - is that Booger in the back there? No, I guess not. Whoever the guy is he looks like he just creamed his Underoos. "Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson dancing right in front of me. It's the greatest day of my pitiful life!" Poor you, Booger-like dude. Getting all hot over stupid Jessica Simpson and her absurd boobs, and Eva who appears to be wearing an old dish-rag. Oh, and speaking of Jessica's boobs - don't they look like they're trying to escape there? Free Jessica's boobs! I hope at least one of them was able to jump onto Eva's shoulder and piggyback to freedom. Ew, Eva Longoria with a boob on the back of her shoulder. That would be pretty freaky. I bet Booger-guy would like it though. "Can I give your shoulder-boob a rub Ms. Longoria? Heh-heh-heh."

Jessica Simpson Thinks She's Ethnic

Jessica Simpson appears at Ceasar's Palace for the 2nd Anniversary of the Pussycat Doll Lounge.

Someone needs to inform this bitch that she's white. Not Mediterranean. No matter how hard she tries, she will never be Sophia Loren. Especially not with that maniacal retard stare she's got going. Bitch looks like she's ready to randomly molest people on the street.

Papa Joe Wants To Handle Britney

It's no secret that Britney Spears's career has gone down the toilet. But, there are plenty of people out there who are willing to help the Britster if she wants it. Like Joe Simpson, father of successful recording artists Jessica and Ashlee. Joe, who guided his daughters' careers as well as provided the sperm for their creation, says he's willing to become Britney's manager. Rush & Molloy report that Joe has already reached out and tried to touch Britney - in a business sense - and that Jessica, who was once Britney's rival in poptartdom, has given her blessing to the potential endeavor.

But why would Papa Joe, who already has his daughters' careers to handle, add to his burden by taking on the troublesome Britney? Crabbie thinks he knows the answer to this. Papa Joe, you see, is just being practical. Pop stardom these days is a pretty tenuous thing - one minute you're on top of the world, and the next, well, you're Lance Bass. What you really need in this fickle climate is a long-term plan, and Papa Joe has one. Joe, who I consider one of the few geniuses of our time, knows that Jess and Ashlee, and yes Britney, don't have many more years left of potential stardom. Soon the audience will have tired of them and moved on to something else - and how will Papa Joe get paid then? Papa Joe depends on his girls earning, and it's up to Papa Joe to put them in a position to do that. So, when this whole music-and-movies gig dries up, there's got to be some other means of wringing revenue out of the girls, and Papa Joe has the perfect thing - a brothel.

The visionary Papa Joe understands the appeal of his little girls. Why do you think he's always ogling their boobs? He's sizing them up for black lace teddies. However, Jess and Ashlee, energetic as they may be, are not going to be able to handle that work-load alone. So, Joe's going to need to add to his stable - and why not start doing it now? Britney's at a vulnerable point in her life, plus she's always drunk, so she's liable to sign just about anything. All Joe needs to do is trick her into putting her name on some kind of personal services contract. Then in a couple years when Joe has his brothel going, he can segue Britney right from music into whoring. She probably won't be able to tell the difference anyway - most of her career has been sucking dick and giving lap-dances, let's face it. And all Papa Joe has to do then is sit back and watch the cash roll in, as all the horny bastards come to screw the former pop-stars. Joe Simpson - Donald Trump has nothing on this fucker.

(source)

Mischa Barton's Latest Crime Against Humanity

It's an epidemic that's sweeping the nation - women in high jeans that make them look like they're wearing Depends. Or, maybe it doesn't just look like that - maybe they are wearing Depends. Maybe, today's busy young starlet doesn't have time to hit the john, and needs to be able to just drop a load wherever she is. Hell, it worked for Fergie - without the diaper. And it worked for this crazy bitch too:



Could our finest young celebrity hotties be taking their cues from a deranged astronaut? I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I hope this denim diaper thing runs its course soon. Cause I really don't need anymore pictures of Jessica Simpson looking like this:

Jessica Simpson Tries Out The Mental Patient Look

This is Jessica Simpson last night at Winston's. Er - I don't really even have to say anything about this, do I? I mean, it's obvious what Jessica thinks: "My boobs are really big and my shirt is really tight, so I must look hot." Yeah Jess - you look great, hon. Your hair's really pretty like that, all...unkempt. And your face - that's such a great, natural-looking color for you. And those pants - nothing says "red-hot celeb" like emphasizing your midriff-bulge (complete with a big white button that looks like it could pop at any second, becoming a lethal projectile). Gosh, John Mayer is such a lucky guy. And that Nick Lachey must be so jealous, stuck up there in his Beverly Hills pad with his fugly-ass girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo. Yeah Jessica - you're way hotter than Vanessa. One look at this picture and Nick will probably dump that bitch and come crawling back to you on his hands and knees.

Oh, look - here comes the shortbus. Is that your ride Jessica?

Jessica Simpson Goes Wimmin'

Jessica Simpson gets her ankles wet in the ocean. "Wow, this is a freaking big swimming pool. And what the hell's with the bird? Damn, it's movin'." At least Jessica's dress looks nice (errrrrrrrr).

John And Jessica May Be Warming To Each Other

Could Jessica Simpson and John Mayer finally be warming up to each other? This picture, snapped at an airport in Australia, would seem to say yes. They definitely appear much more comfortable in one-another's presence. And that's just great. Cause, frankly, I think Jessica could use a solid male influence in her life. John, he's got a lot of things going for him - he's creative, and fairly intelligent, and he seems not to mind that Jessica is dumber than a brain-damaged chihuahua. So far the main man in Jessica's life has been her father Joe the Pimp - and we know what kind of damage he's done. So, here's hoping John and Jess really are as happy as they appear, and aren't simply putting on a show for the cameras, in some vain attempt at making John appear straight and Jessica not lonely and depressed.



Did you know that Jessica loves it when you blow on the back of her head? You can't see it in this picture, but her foot is actually tapping the ground like a dog right there. And another thing - are you as shocked as I am to discover they actually have airports in Australia? I thought you still had to get there by out-rigger. Well, you learn something every day.

Jessica Simpson Shouts At Photographers

Jessica Simpson had a tiny little run-in with photographers on Wednesday. The "singer," who just returned from a "romantic vacation" with John Mayer in Italy, was coming out of something called the Hahm Rejuvenation Center in West Hollywood when she was swarmed by eager paparazzi. It got so uncomfortable that Jess finally had to snap at them, "You guys, please, please back off! It's really not cool. ... I'm trying to respect you guys, but this is very rude."

Ha - even when Jessica melts down she's lame. "I'm trying to respect you guys, but this is very rude." Come on Jess - curse them out. Call then "dang ijits" or "gosh darn poopy-faces." Quit with the damn good-girl thing. It's so weak.


(source)

Now Jessica Simpson Wants To Adopt A Baby Too

Will the flood of celebs wanting second-hand babies never end? Yesterday it was Posh, and today it's another talentless chick with absurd-looking boobs and no fashion sense - Jessica Simpson. Yeah, she wants to adopt too. And guess why? Because her dogs make her feel maternal. That's what she said. That taking care of her dogs has put her in the mood to have a baby. But, says Jessica, she's going to adopt before trying it the old-fashioned way. Hmm - is she trying to tell us something about John Mayer? Does he have a low sperm-count? Is he in no way, shape or form interested in inserting his penis into any orifice belonging to a female? I don't know - and it's beside the point anyway. The real issue here is that, under no circumstances, should Jessica Simpson be allowed to have a child. That chick is a mental patient. And please, for God's sake, if Jessica does somehow manage to finagle her way into a baby, don't let it be a girl baby. The last thing we need is for Papa Joe to have a granddaughter to ogle once she gets old enough. "Mmm, that was a really great dance you did for grandpa sweetie. But do you think you could bounce up and down more next time?"

(source)

More Awkward Simpson/Mayer Body Language

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer in the airport, getting ready to leave Rome. I hate to break the news to you Mayer, but the ruse isn't working. Everyone knows you don't care about Jessica. You only took her to Italy with you as cover. You ditched her as fast as you could and went off chasing men. I don't blame you of course. Italian men. They're so dirty and rough.

Papa Joe Says Jess And Ashlee Will Never End Up Like Spears

Joe Simpson is not a rotten parent like Lynne and Jamie Spears - according to Joe Simpson. What? Joe Simpson called Lynne and Jamie rotten parents? Not exactly. But he did sort of imply it. Here's what Joe the Pimp said about Lynne and Jamie's daughter Britney's current predicament:

I would never let that happen to my daughters. Hopefully, her family will take care of the situation.

Translation: I Joe Simpson am a great parent, while Lynne and Jamie are complete buffoons who caused their daughter to become a wacked-out druggie.

Obviously, Joe is living in his own little world. Cause in the real one, his daughters Jessica and Ashlee, though not drug-addicts (as far as we know), are clearly both a couple sandwiches short of a picnic. I mean, just look into their faces - those are not normal human beings. Ashlee is one more nose-job away from Michael Jackson-land, and Jessica, she's so brittle and neurotic she can't even get through a performance without having a nervous breakdown. I mean, how does Joe Simpson figure he's raised a couple of perfect little angels here? If I were him I'd lay off the super-dad routine.

(source)