Heather Mills Shocks World, Turns Down Opportunity For Shameless Self-Promotion

Heather Mills's appearance on Dancing With the Stars may have won her new fans, but that doesn't mean you'll be seeing the one-legged slut on any other reality shows in the near future. And that includes Celebrity Big Brother, the British show made infamous thanks to Jade Goody's racially-charged taunting of Indian lass Shilpa Shetty this past season. Mills says that, despite interest from producers, she is not appearing on Big Brother - and furthermore, Mills's agent says that Heather is upset by the stories that have gotten around about her already agreeing to be on the show:

People have been wishing her luck on Celebrity Big Brother when she is out with her daughter and she feels it's unfair the public have been misled. She is hoping this will end the speculation.

Now we know how profoundly delusional Heather Mills really is. She thinks people are coming up to her on the street to wish her luck on Big Brother - no they're not, Heather. They're cursing you out. They're calling you Long Jean Gold-digger and Stumpy the Hopping Harlot and Pogo-girl and all sorts of other stuff. You're only hearing them talk about Big Brother, because this is all your warped mind will allow you to acknowledge. You truly have no idea how reviled you are.

(source)

Heather Mills Falls Down

Heather Mills fell down on Dancing With the Stars. I still like the Lindsay barking her shin while trying to get into the SUV video better (I don't care what anyone says, that shit is hilarious).



Sorry, she fell down a little bit at the end. Not good enough. I want her to go flying into a light-stand, have the hot light fall on her and set her on fire. And when the fire is put out there's nothing left but some smoldering remains and a singed plastic leg.

Heather Mills Pretends To Feel

Listen to this bit of audio from the Ryan Seacrest show this morning, which features Heather Mills becoming all emotional after a caller apologizes for buying into the media's negative portrayal of her in the wake of her split from Paul McCartney:

AUDIO HERE!

All right, Ryan Seacrest - you are the most shameless ass-kissing phony on the face of the earth. You should be lanced like a boil. And about that caller - am I supposed to believe that some woman just decided to call up the Ryan Seacrest show and say she was sorry to Heather Mills, and that Heather had won her over? Yeah right - that whole thing was such a set-up. How much did Heather pay that bitch? And Heather getting all emotional after that - another load of bullshit. And her little tearful speech about how she's done charity work for 14 years, so that proves she's not a gold-digger, and how she fell madly in love with Paul and gave up 7 years of her life. Yeah, Heather, you're all about sacrifice aren't you? The world just takes and takes - starting with your dumb leg, ha ha - and you just give and give. You never stop giving. And you want nothing in return and you're just a loving woman who was misrepresented by the media, who are all out to destroy you. I hate this woman so much, I swear, I think my hair may start on fire.

The Truth About Heather

Dianna Karmal, the sister of Heather Mills's former husband Alfie, is bravely coming forth to reveal the truth about her ex-sister-in-law, whom she characterizes as a low-class, mendacious attention-junkie with a propensity to leave chaos in her wake. Mills, according to Karmal, is nothing but a manipulative charlatan, who used her brother Alfie to climb the social ladder, then abandoned him once he was no longer useful. Here's what Karmal says about Mills' current incarnation, and about the influence of her brother on the former whore:

She's trying to be a cross between Mother Teresa and Princess Diana, but that's not the Heather I know. ... When my brother Alfie married her in 1989 he changed her from an overweight, bleached blonde into what you see today. He paid for her boob job, a nose job and liposuction all over her body. ... He taught her how to dress. He was besotted with her and made her what she is, but what he created - in my opinion - was a Frankenstein's monster.

A Frankenstein's monster who, reportedly, once fucked rich Arab men for money, and went out with a Lebanese billionaire at the same time she was trying to rope in poor Alfie.

Also included amongst Dianna's recollections of Heather are tales of Mills's horrific temper, which led her to physically assault Alfie. And this is the same woman who claimed she was a victim of Paul McCartney's abuse for years but never struck back? Dianna claims Heather is a "liar and a fantasist" - and was threatened with legal action by Mills's lawyers if she didn't shut her mouth. But Dianna hasn't clammed up. She is bent on exposing the truth behind Mills's phony image - and that includes taking fierce animal-rights activist Mills to task for her insistence that a fur-coat she was once photographed wearing was donned in honor of her mother, and meant nothing to her personally. Says Dianna:

She loved that mink coat. ... Heather claimed on her website that she only wore the coat in memory of her mother who'd just died, but Beatrice Mills died in February 1989 and the wedding was in September 1989. When I pointed this out to her lawyers by e-mail, Heather's explanation suddenly disappeared from her website.

And there are more stories of Heather's younger days - like when she was 16 and working as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. Dianna recalls:

Heather was very coquettish with men, but with women she was extremely stand-offish. ... She used to wear a tiny beige leather mini skirt and a small top which barely covered her breasts. She would even wear her club clothes to walk down the street. ... She loved male attention. Once, for Valentine's Day, she and her flatmate shaved their pubic hair in the shape of a heart and dyed it bright red. That night they were walking round the club showing people. I couldn't believe my eyes.

And Heather's slutty taste didn't improve right away after meeting Alfie. In fact, the first time Alfie took her home to meet his staunchly conservative parents, Heather's clothing choices made for quite a scene. Says Dianna:

Our mother is very traditional, and yet Heather turned up in a mini-skirt, high heels, her breasts spilling out of her crop top and scarf tied as a huge bow in her hair. ... My mother took one look at her and said to Alfie in Greek: "What have you brought round to my house?" Alfie was furious and replied in Greek: "You watch me. I'm going to turn her into the biggest model and I'm going to manage her." To which my mother said: "Good luck."

Poor Alfie had been roped in by Heather's charms. But because Alfie was still going through a divorce, Heather was not able to move in with him - so she had to live with Dianna and her husband for six months. Recalls Dianna:

She turned up with two black bin-liners full of clothes and she didn't have a single daytime outfit in them. They were all nightclub clothes. ... She used to wake up late and then wander round in a dressing gown doing nothing. She could devour a whole box of cereal with a pint of milk and a whole box of biscuits would disappear with a cup of tea. She'd given up the nightclub because Alfie didn't like her working there, so her whole day was nothing but grooming, grooming, grooming. ... Her life revolved around tanning sessions, waxing, going to the gym, doing her hair and painting her nails. I never once saw her pick up a book to read or listen to music. She got a few jobs, but they never lasted. She did a couple of weeks in a sunbed centre, then a bit of cleaning. ... I used to invite her out now and again with me and my friends, but after one incident when she regaled them with tales about how she had her first orgasm in a swimming pool they begged me not to invite her again.

And Heather showed her tendency to invent lies about herself as well. Says Dianna:

One Sunday lunch at my parents' home she was talking about all these A-levels she passed and how she managed a restaurant and I said: "Heather you are only 18, how can you have done all this?" She jumped down my throat. ... She has a terrible temper when you challenge her, but I kept on asking her which college she went to, which subjects her A-levels were in and she just couldn't answer. That's because she left school with no qualifications.

Yes, Heather was a pathological liar and an ignoramus - but this didn't stop her from making a good living. With Alfie's help she launched a modelling career, but her "modelling" soon led her into other activities, like posing for a German sex manual, and more things that remained a secret even to her husband. Says Dianna of Heather's shady activities:

I would sometimes go shopping with Heather at Brent Cross and her handbag would be stuffed with thousands of pounds in cash. She'd tell me it was from some modelling assignment, but reputable agencies don't pay in cash. ... I thought she must have some rich boyfriend, but I didn't know the half of it.

Indeed, Heather did have a boyfriend, and he was rich. His name was George Kazan and he was an Arab businessman. He financed Heather's high-flying lifestyle. Yet Alfie was so smitten with Heather that he refused to see the truth. And Heather helped keep him in the dark by concocting lies. Dianna remembers one occasion when Heather bent the truth, and the otherwise-gullible Alfie found out about it:

Once she was meant to be meeting Alfie after work, but was late because she'd met up with some friends for a drink instead. ... She came out with some elaborate story about how her car had been clamped and towed away, but when Alfie checked with the company he discovered she'd made it all up. ... When confronted with the truth she would fly off the handle and run away, simply disappear for a few days. Alfie would going out of his mind with worry and be so relieved when she returned that he'd let the matter drop.

And that became the pattern of their relationship - Heather lied and acted like a bitch, Alfie forgave her. Once, Alfie decided to surprise Heather at the airport as she was returning from a "modelling" gig, and rather than be grateful and happy Heather snapped at her love-sick beau, screaming, "Just fuck off, I don't want to to talk to you ever again, just fuck off." But despite these episodes, Alfie was always ready to let her off the hook. This came in handy for Heather when Kazan finally broke off their relationship, leaving her without a sugar-daddy. Suddenly broke and homeless, Heather ran back to Alfie, and began pursuing him with gusto. Says Dianna:

She kept turning up at his offices with expensive gifts and one day she presented him with a gold wedding band and asked him to marry her. He refused, unless she agreed to have counselling for her compulsive lying. ... Alfie went to see the psychiatrist who explained that because of her abused childhood, he should make allowances for her behaviour. So he did, probably too many. When they announced their marriage everyone gave them 18 months at most.

Right from the beginning, Dianna knew the marriage was a sham. She says:

I'll never forget Alfie standing up at the wedding and making this speech about how much he loved Heather and how he was the luckiest man in the world and she just sat there smirking. I don't believe she ever really loved him. ... Not long after the wedding I witnessed a horrible row at my house over something trivial Alfie had said. She flew at him and tried to hit him round the head. He blocked the blows with his arms and was pleading "please Heather, not in front of Dianna", but she didn't care who saw. ... It wasn't long before Alfie stopped coming to see the family. ... I saw him cry many times during their relationship, but I never once saw Heather cry.

Knowing what a manipulative, lying, scheming monster Heather Mills is has caused Dianna Karmal to sympathize with another of the one-legged beasts's victims, Paul McCartney. Says Dianna:

I feel sorry for Paul McCartney. He was vulnerable after his wife Linda's death and Heather must have seemed the perfect replacement, but she is a chameleon.

Indeed. And now Heather, thanks to Dancing With the Stars, is transforming herself again, into a sympathetic media darling. Not everyone is fooled.

(source)

Heather Mills Is Deeply Disturbed

Heather Mills has become untethered from reality and is slowly floating away into space. I mean it - bitch is gone. Delusional. Imagining things. Conspiracies. Yes, against her. For instance, Heather has become convinced that the media are trying to destroy her. This is what this woman actually believes. That all the TV networks and newspapers and magazines in Britain are in league against her. Here's what she actually told the BBC several days ago:

There is a huge agenda about trying to destroy me and put me down. ... There are huge powers. I don't have that powerful system that Paul has. There are huge powers that create these things for their own reasons. I have a daughter to protect and I don't want to speak badly about any of the parties involved.

Heather the victim. She plays that card well. And she's playing it again. According to Heather, Paul McCartney and his media minions are deliberately trying to over-shadow her attempt to rehabilitate her image by appearing on Dancing With the Stars. The other evening, Paul had a date with Sabrina Guinness, a rich socialite who once went out with Prince Charles. Naturally, because of the names involved, it was a big story - so big that the date was eventually called off due to the presence of so many photographers. Heather, because she's a lunatic, thought the date was planned deliberately to take publicity away from her, and was said to be "apoplectic with rage" when she learned about it. Here's what a friend of Heather's told the Daily Mail:

She was livid. She felt like someone had knocked the stuffing out of her. She feels this has really humiliated her. Heather has long believed forces are at work trying to destroy her and she feels this is just the next step. ... In Heather's mind, she feels this has actually been done when she is out of the country to overshadow her American television debut. ... She told everyone that [Paul] had sent her flowers to wish her good luck in the contest, and that he was really on her side. But she feels that the minute she leaves the country, he is pictured going out with someone else.

Only a truly paranoid, tortured mind could've concocted the stuff Heather believes. A conspiracy against her? Why? She was nothing before she married McCartney, and she'll be nothing again once everyone forgets about the divorce. She can appear on a hundred reality shows and it won't make a difference - she'll still be the hateful one-legged harpy who tried to smear Paul McCartney's name.

But what's funny about it is that Heather actually seems jealous of Paul for seeing another woman. Here's what Heather's "friend" told the Daily Mail about that:

Deep down, Heather believed that after the divorce, they would still eventually be friends and that she would always be a very important part of Paul's life. ... Now she feels rather anxious that she just may be forgotten when Paul moves onto someone else.

That is insane. I mean, this is the same woman who, a few months ago, was talking about the secret tapes she had that would prove Paul abused her. This is the same woman who claimed Paul stabbed her and pushed her over a table and sadistically tortured her by making her crawl to the toilet in the middle of the night. But Paul was just supposed to forget about that and be buddies with her? And I love that last line, "Now she feels rather anxious that she just may be forgotten when Paul moves onto someone else." Well, yes Heather - you're divorcing him. Divorce means you won't be his wife anymore. He'll be free to screw other women if he wants to. And I seriously doubt he'll be thinking of you while he's doing it. In fact, you're probably the last thing in the world Paul ever wants to think about again. But you're anxious he'll forget you - of course you are, because you know, deep down, that without him you're nothing. Being married to him afforded you a lot of opportunities for looking noble and caring, and now those opportunities are drying up. You're so desperate for publicity that you signed up for a reality show, and had yourself videotaped breaking into a pig-farm with a bunch of smelly, trouble-making animal rights activists. What next? Are you going to pop your plastic leg off and do some kind of hopping juggler act in the street? My God woman, wake up. He doesn't want you anymore. He figured out what kind of a devious, scheming little monster you are, and now he just wants to be rid of you. And you're such a neurotic wreck that you can't let go of him. You say the most horrible things about him, trying to get people to feel sorry for you, and then you expect all that to go away at your convenience. You do know that people write those things down, right? It's all on the record. You don't just get to pretend it never happened because now you want to be friends. Holy God, I'm actually afraid of you, Heather. You may be the craziest person I've ever heard of.

(source 1, source 2)

Heather Mills On Dancing With The Stars

A sampling of viewer reaction from the ABC message boards (spelling and grammar mistakes are the sole responsibility of the original poster):

gcsme: I have been a faithful watcher of Dancing since it started. This ended when they signed Ms Mills. I will not even let it be on a TV in our house because I do not want to land in the ratings. Sorry about your physical challenges but to use them as a stepping stone over other people is a crime. Take Sir Paul's money and go away. We do not want to see you. Even if she gets voted off I will not watch. I wonder if this will change next year?

Leneda: This is America, If your a class-A BITCH we will let you know. Your handicap does not endear us to you and you are the WORST role model for a handicapped person. Hanidcapped people hate you too. WE love the Beatles, and Paul and Ringo are all we have left. The Beatles are our boys, no, not America's but our generations. You don't mess with them. We only have two left and you are still screwing one. Get lost. You are worried about your leg falling off? Stick it someplace else. You kicked your log up in the air and it looked like the talon of a Teradactal. And how far did you chase and beat down the clown for that dress you were wearing? DID I ACTUALLY HEAR YOU SAY YOU WOULD GIVE THE JUDGE A MILLION DOLLARS???!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! Where did that million come from? You should give it all away. That is the only thing that will get you votes. and then we will still hate you. Welcome to America.

pmsintx: Oh, Please make her go early! I don't have to meet her to see and hear how she behaves and treats others. She is very snooty, looks down on most everyone around her at any given time, and I still wonder where she got her haughty attitude, considering she is UNattractive AND Rude! Seems to me she has proved over and again she married Paul for his money, so with all considered....I don't want to see her on my favorite show. Get her OFF!

PROLLINGS: I HAVE A REAL DISABILITY AND AM VERY ASHAMED THAT ABC IS GIVING HER ALL THIS PUBLICITY. SHE SAYS SHE IS NOT USING HER LEGLESS CONDITION FOR ATTENTION YET THAT'S ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT! I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THE SHOW BUT HOPE TO HEAR SHE IS VOTED OFF.

walevy20: My wife and I have been watching this show every week since it's inception - no more if Heather Mills is going to be shown in her full "Glory" - - I am oh so angry at the way she is sucking dry an individual such as Sir Paul!!! If the producers of this show think by having her participate will draw viewers - - think again. I will NOT have this show on in my house if she if involved!!

upstnyBarb: Vote for anyone else to get the golddigging liar off the first chance. Maybe ABC/Disney will get the message and get a disabled person with dignity on next time. They could get a returning vet on for goodness sake - they would be more of a star than this woman.

bugtrap007: Heather Mills is a scandalous money grubbing TRAMP! I am ashamed for ABC asking such a worthless human being to be part of what used to be a good show (before Heather was asked to participate). Heather Mills IS NOT A CELEBRITY just because she married a celebrity for his money doesn't mean she is a celebrity herself. I will never watch this show again.Nor will I allow anyone in my family to watch this show ever again either! Obviously you people have no scruples to invite someone who would slander such a wonderful human being as Paul McCartney. HEATHER MILLS SUCKS! So does ABC for allowing her on their network.

wildheart5: Is ABC paying this gold digger? When I heard she was going to be on this show my mouth dropped! How could they think we really want to see this trollop? I agree, whoever thought of putting her on should have his/her head examined!

Heather Mills Pretends To Give A Damn About Something Other Than Herself

Heather "Peggy" Mills joined a group of animal-rights trouble-makers in breaking into an industrial pig farm to highlight the plight of the poor imprisoned swine. Here's the video of Heather pretending to be heartbroken over the suffering of the animals:



So that's where pork chops come from.

Police Warn Mills About Making Unnecessary Emergency Calls

Heather Mills drives pretty much everyone batty just by her presence on the earth, but the police in Hove, the town near her home in England, have been given special reason to become exasperated by the soon-to-be-former wife of Paul McCartney. Mills, it seems, was provided a special "panic phone" last December when she began receiving death threats - a phone that affords her an emergency hotline to the police station. Heather, however, has been using the phone more like a teenager calling up her friends - according to Brighton and Hove Police Superintendent Kevin Moore, the cops there have spent a "disproportionate" amount of time dealing with Mills, and at one point were even called by the hysterical former porn model four times in a single day.

And what kind of stuff was happening to Heather that caused her to jump on her police hotline? In one memorable incident, Heather became upset when she learned that Paul had removed some paintings from their home in Peasmarsh, East Sussex. So she dialed up the panic phone and informed the police - only to be told that Paul's actions hardly constituted an emergency, and were not even a criminal matter but a civil one. Of course, Heather denies all this, claiming she's only used the hotline phone six times. Says Heather's rep:

She is a single mum who has been very nervous about all the things that have happened. ... She has been followed late at night by people she does not know. The danger is that she will not call police in future and something serious will happen. What is she supposed to do?

What is she supposed to do? Oh, I don't know - how about not jam up the emergency lines over frivolous stuff like Paul taking some paintings that probably belonged to him anyway. My God, what a neurotic headcase this woman must be. And by the way Heather - those death-threats you're so worried about? Why are people sending them to you? It couldn't be because you tried to drag Paul's name through the mud with your accusations of abuse could it? Or because you've spent the last few months trying to deny him custody of his child and take him for all the money you could? No Heather, you did nothing to deserve people's derision and scorn. You're just an innocent victim in all this. Poor little Heather who never did anything wrong. God, why couldn't that motorcycle have run over your head instead of your leg?

(source)

Something You Don't See Every Day - A One-Legged Woman On A Bike

Stumpy Mills gets in some exercise ahead of her appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Honestly, I really ought to be above these cheap "one-legged" jokes about Mills. They're too easy. Plus there are so many other things about Heather to make fun of - like her clothes, and hair, and stupid face. And the fact that she's a miserable person who no sane man will ever have anything to do with now that she's been revealed to be such a hideous beast.

Yeah, you're right - the one-legged jokes are still better.

Report: Mills Settles With McCartney

News of the World reports that Heather Mills has surrendered in her divorce battle with Paul McCartney, dropping her demand for sole custody of their daughter Beatrice in exchange for $60 million in cash and property.

"It's amazing how quickly things have turned around," sources told NOTW. "Heather has caved in on lots of things — including the money demands and sole custody of daughter Beatrice — and we now expect her to settle."

The tab reports that, despite the apparent civility between McCartney and Mills in court, they have actually been at each other's throats in private. One alleged phone exchange between the ex-couple saw McCartney yelling at Mills, "I just can't wait until I never have to see your face again!" and Mills retorting, "You'll never get rid of me!" McCartney also called Mills tacky for agreeing to appear on the show Dancing With the Stars, predicting that Mills would become, "a reality TV freak like Anna Nicole Smith."

But what does this mean for Mills's claims that McCartney abused her? A Mills friend says Heather has not backed down from her accusations, and vows she will never sign any agreement that forces her to keep her mouth shut. And another friend accuses Paul of wanting to settle the affair quickly to avoid evidence of his abuse coming up in court:

What McCartney has done is categorically deny the wife-beating, saying it's disgraceful and disgusting, then settle so she won't have a chance to show the evidence to back up what she said. ... I know that Paul's worn her down and she got completely fed up with the whole thing. But he'll never keep her quiet.

Crabbie has been on Team McCartney during this whole sordid mess, mostly because it's so hilarious making fun of peg-leg Heather, but honestly, I'm starting to think maybe Mills's abuse claims are not without foundation. It think it's altogether possible that McCartney really is the monster Mills tried to portray him as. I also think that Heather is a completely vile gold-digging bitch who probably deserved to get cuffed around. I suspect that, if we knew the whole truth about this story, we wouldn't like either of these people very much.

(source)

Mills Shot Down By Judge

Heather Mills tried playing hardball in her divorce battle against Paul McCartney - but it appears the strategy has blown up in her face. In court proceedings yesterday, the judge dismissed Mills's outrageous accusations against McCartney, including ones that had the former Beatle pushing her into a bathtub, choking her and stabbing her with a broken wine glass. One-legged twat Mills reportedly stormed out of the courthouse after the proceedings ended, while Paul emerged twenty minutes later smiling.

When is Heather Mills going to wake up and realize that she can't win? It doesn't matter how much money she makes out of this - she is going to be the loser in everyone's eyes. There is nothing she can do now to repair her image - people are going to hate her guts. Of course, Heather may not care about that. In the end all she probably wants is the money. And it's possible that she may not even be capable of recognizing the hatred people feel toward her. She may be too deluded. The whole Dancing With the Stars move seems wacky to me - it's like she thinks people are going to embrace her. But if they do embrace you, Heather, it will only be to hold you down while they get the tar and feathers ready. My advice to you would be to take whatever settlement Paul wants to offer and just move to some far-off desert island. Spend the rest of your life hopping merrily on the sand. Cause if you stay in civilization, you will never be anything more than a peg-legged Yoko Ono.

Mills Gets A Kick Out Of Dancing With The Stars

The line-up for the next Dancing With the Stars has been announced. Somehow I managed to miss all the previous installments of the program. I meant to watch when that little bow-tie-wearing sissy Tucker Carlson was on too, but it slipped my mind for some reason. Anyway, here are the "luminaries" scheduled to appear:

Heather Mills - Yup, it's official - the boil on Paul McCartney's ass is going to be stumping her way through the competition. Oh, how heroic of Heather. What a positive role model she is to other people with disabilities. And people whose dream is to one day smear the good name of a musical icon and become utterly reviled for it.

Billy Ray Cyrus - Don't tell my Achy, Breaky Heart that Billy Ray Cyrus is actually going to be on television. Don't tell my stomach either. Or my bowels.

Leeza Gibbons - Well, look at the bright-side - it could've been Nancy O'Dell.

Joey Fatone - The fat, ugly member of N'Sync everyone made fun of. The other day I went to Wendy's for a bacon cheeseburger and I swear I saw a guy working the counter who looked just like Joey...

Laili Ali - Muhammed Ali's butch boxer daughter. Maybe she'll punch-out Billy Ray Cyrus. That I wouldn't mind seeing.

Vincent Pastore - The guy who played Big Pussy on The Sopranos. This is what happens when you get bumped off on that show - you wind up on Dancing With the Stars. Of course, the show is winding down now, which means most of the cast will be on shows like this next year. I can't wait until Bobby Bacala appears on Celebrity Fit Club.

Apolo Anton Ohno - The speed-skater guy? I guess Bode Miller was too drunk.

Paulina Porizkova - The chick who was once married to that ugly, skinny guy from The Cars, right? Or maybe they're still married. Or maybe it was some other model from a former Eastern Bloc nation. Maybe it wasn't the guy from The Cars. Ah Christ, who cares?

Clyde Drexler - A basketball player, apparently. What, no Rick Fox? Too bad - I wouldn't mind looking at him for a couple of nights.

Ian Ziering - Ha ha, Steve from Beverly Hills 90210. The last time I saw this doof he was lampooning his own loserness in that shitty Keira Knightley movie Domino. I guess he brings the Mario Lopez factor to the new season. You know, a former teeny-bopper icon who is now lurching uncomfortably toward middle-age.

Shandi Finnessey - Miss USA 2004. What, no Tara Conner? I guess they were afraid Tara would get all coked up and start ripping her clothes off. Then Trump would have to come out and forgive her again. And no one wants that.

Heather Mills Films Herself Kicking Photographer

The stress of trying to rob Paul McCartney must be really getting to Heather Mills. Cause bitch is acting crazier than Renee Zellweger at the end of a four-day insomnia jag. Just check out this pic of the former porn model and soon-to-be Dancing With the Stars contestant Mills attempting to kick an annoying photographer in the butt:

According to witnesses, this sneaker-in-the-ass was accompanied by a fair amount of shrieking. But what makes it truly bizarre is the fact that Mills appears to be filming the kick while she's in the process of delivering it. Mills, it's commonly known, has been videotaping every aspect of her life recently, to what end none can say. Maybe she's planning on producing some kind of epic autobiographical film - The Life and Times of Stumpy the Gold-Digger. Or maybe she's just one of these supremely narcissistic assholes who don't feel alive unless everything they do is filmed. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear Heather lost her balance and injured herself in the incident. And it appears her prosthetic left leg stayed on the whole time (notice she uses her real leg to deliver the kick). Alas, even when Heather does something crazy and amusing, she fails to be anything more than half-interesting.

(BTW: How much you wanna bet that, when Mills appears on Dancing With the Stars, she fakes a fall to get sympathy?)

Heather Mills To Appear On Dancing With The Stars. No Punchline Needed.

Heather Mills is sick of people seeing her as the woman who tried to destroy Paul McCartney's reputation, and in the process take him for millions of dollars. No, Heather wants a new image - as the heroic amputee who wins a dance competition. And to that end, she has signed on as a participant for the next season of the hit show Dancing With the Stars.

"Some may think this is a surprising way for Heather to raise her profile in the US," a source told Britain's Daily Express, "but she has never been stifled by her disability. She is a great skier and a superb dancer."

And a terrific money-grubbing publicity whore. But Money Grubbing Publicity Whoring With the Stars is not yet a show (although, with Fox around...).

Obviously, Heather Mills is out of her mind. People hate her - really hate her. Maybe she thinks that hate isn't so bad on this side of the pond, but I think she's in for a rude awakening. I think people over here are aware of her, and revile her. Therefore, I'd say she has about as much chance of winning this competition as the original Beatles do of getting back together. In fact, I think she will likely be eliminated early - provided the voting is actually legitimate. If it isn't legitimate (which it probably isn't) then the producers will go out of their way to keep Heather around, milking the whole "rising above her disability angle" and all the worldwide publicity the whole thing is sure to generate. One thing I definitely do not see happening is Heather emerging from this with a new, positive image. I mean, my God, it's been almost forty years since Yoko broke up the Beatles, and people still haven't forgiven her. In fact, if Yoko were to walk into a Beatles convention, there's a good chance she'd be torn limb-from-limb. And the same thing would probably happen to Heather too - except there'd be one less limb to tear off.