Pam Anderson Wore Dead Sheep On Her Feet

Pamela Anderson wore UGGs, those silly Eskimo-looking fur-lined boots, back when she was a star on Baywatch, and in doing so helped popularize the brand. Now, prominent PETA-spokeswoman Pamela is repudiating the footwear she helped make famous - because, she has discovered, the wool lining is backed with actual sheepskin.

"I'm getting rid of our Uggs," writes Pamela in her blog. "I feel so guilty for that craze being started around Baywatch days – I used to wear them with my red swimsuit to keep warm – never realizing that they were SKIN!"

Pamela goes on to explain how she thought the backing was synthetic, and the wool taken from sheep that were kindly sheared. Wrong, knucklehead. It was dead animal epidermis. Imagine Pam, some poor little sheep got flayed - probably alive - and you had its skin wrapped around your feet. I hope those boots kept your tootsies good and warm, Pam, considering that animals had to give their lives for them. Oh, and by the way Pam - your breast implants? Whale blubber. And your fake hair? It's from mermaids caught in tuna nets.

God Pam, is there anything you won't murder?

Update: George Clooney Doesn't Like VD (Maybe)

George Clooney is a certifiable Hollywood hunk. No doubt about it. A stud-muffin. A gorgeous, sexy man who makes Crabbie not able to control his salivary glands. And this being the case, certainly, George can have his pick of Hollywood hotties. When George walks into a room full of beautiful women, he should treat that room as one big buffet. Hmm, I'm feeling like a little chesty brunette with a side of svelte red-head tonight. Anything you want George. Just fill up your plate, and when you're done come back for seconds.

And yet, despite all the tasty cuisine at George's disposal, the guy still insists on occasionally grabbing himself a big handful of slimy muck and shoving it in his mouth. Okay, Crabbie, who are you calling a big handful of slimy muck? Uh...Pamela Anderson? We don't consider her gourmet fare do we? No. More like something you scraped from the bottom of a river. You know, the sort of thing you don't try eating until all the other food on earth has been consumed, and all the bugs, and the grass, and the cow poop, and the nice clean dirt, and the somewhat icky dirt. Pamela Anderson. Dear God, why is George Clooney going around with her?

No, it's not some strange feverish concoction of Crabbie's mind - it's real. According to witnesses, George wined-and-dined Pam at the Valley Inn in Sherman Oaks. The date went so well that Pamela wound up sitting on George's lap by the end of it (classy move in the middle of a restaurant), and since then the two have been sharing walks and, presumably, bodily fluids.

Ugh. You would've thought all those years of playing a doctor would've made George more sensitive to the dangers of venereal disease. Doesn't he have any regard for his health? And what about the rest of us? Now we have to imagine George Clooney and Pam Anderson together. That's just not right.

Seriously, this story is disturbing to me. George Clooney doing it with Pam Anderson. Of all the women in the world, he picks that oozing sore. What does he see in her? The opportunity to become King Stud of the World in the eyes of slobbering frat-boys? Woah, that George Clooney, he's awesome man. He's nailing Pam Anderson. Yeah, Pam. She's so like hot. Hey Billy, pass me the beer bong...

That's what it is, isn't it? That stupid heterosexual male competitiveness. In fact, George doesn't find Pam sexually attractive at all. But he thinks other men find her attractive, and his dopey-ass king of the hill instinct is telling him to bang her. I banged the woman every other man wants, so I win. But is it worth it George? Really? Just to be envied by a bunch of dirtbags? Is it worth having your dick turn green and fall off? I don't think so. But, it's your dick. You can do whatever you want with it.

Update: Mr. George Clooney is denying he ever had a date with Pamela Anderson. "I worked with Pam seven years ago and haven't seen her since," the actor said in a statement. "And I've never been to that restaurant."

Obviously, Clooney never went out with Anderson. And the speed of his denial demonstrates how revolted he is at the mere idea.

Thank goodness. I can sleep now.

Pamela Anderson Wants To Save The Planet. Maybe She Should Do Something About The Greenhouse Gases She Gives Off.

Pamela Anderson is at that stage in her career (snicker) where she doesn't want to just be known as a bimbo anymore. No, Pamela wants people to take her seriously. The same way they take Angelina Jolie seriously. And that's why Pam, already a vocal member of PETA, has decided to devote herself even more to charity work.

"I have some decisions to make about my career," wrote Pam on her personal website. "I have plenty of options but most importantly I really want to get more involved in environmental issues... and human issues around the world."

Translation: Showing up in crappy countries under UN sponsorship is a really easy way to get positive publicity without having to actually do anything. That was how Angelina got started. And people like Ashley Judd and Naomi Watts have pulled it too. Basically, you show up at a press conference to have your picture taken, then someone helicopters you out to some village where people subsist on handfuls of rice and water that's mostly urine, and you let one of the natives braid your hair, and you dance with them and act like you don't want to hurl at the awful smell. Then you smile and climb back on the helicopter, and as soon as the door is shut you start complaining about how constipated you are, and how you can't find a decent Chinese acupuncturist out in the bush (Don't believe me? Just read this).

I'm being a bit cynical about Pam's announcement I realize. There's always a chance, I suppose, that the stupid bitch is sincere about all this, and isn't just looking for some new kind of attention now that no one wants to give her movie or TV parts. But I'm sorry, I just can't help being skeptical. Because it's such an obvious move. And nowadays, if you're a celeb, you get more press for what you do in your outside life than your professional one (when's the last time you read an article about one of Lindsay Lohan's film roles?). So, it's natural that, if you're going to have all that attention, you want it to be positive. The problem is that it's all just a dog-and-pony show. These organizations want to be associated with celebs, because it helps their money-raising efforts. And the celebs get the nice warm glow of feeling like they've done something good, and more importantly, they get to look like they've done something good. It's all sort of whorish. And it's not going to end world poverty and hunger either. Even Angelina can't do that.